your words feel like the conductor clipping tickets:
due dates, paid dues, arrival times, timed deaths.
my skull crushes against the thick veneer
of the train window. I look out past my bare fingers
searching for a view in the night, but my focus refuses
to sharpen anything but my own reflection.
the man opposite me fiddles with his wedding ring
pushing it up and down with habit to show
the white crescent of skin he’s cultivated underneath.
he doesn’t flinch when the train delays,
time has taught him comfort.
but all time has taught me is how to mourn
its passage, absence and train departures
and how to search for you in its aftermath.
the man with the wedding ring says “where are you”
into his cell phone receiver, pushing up and down, silver ring,
white skin. my reflection whispers back to me
“neither here nor there”
Earth has cried so long
that her sky tears soak my scaffolding
my face like glass, I nod
and let light pour through me,
examine my hairline fractures
I become light when I break it.
we are only what we destroy
the curtain cut light lacing the wall,
the spines of our fathers,
the unbuttoned breaths of our mothers.
it is early and Spring
is a cracked eggshell becoming
Après Moi | Regina Spektor
Февраль. Достать чернил и плакать!
Писать о феврале навзрыд,
Пока грохочущая слякоть
Весною черною горит.
Fevrale. Dostat chernil i plakat!
Pisat o Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit.
February. Get ink, shed tears!
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing,
While torrential slush that roars
Burns in the blackness of the spring.
I think this is one of my favorite messages I’ve ever gotten. Composure is my best talent: when I’m feeling like the ground can’t feel my footsteps and I’m fading into the background, I just fake confidence until it’s real. Over the past few years I’ve made so much headway with the disorder just by doing that! I understand that with something like this you may not want to disclose who you are, but please consider messaging me off anon because I would love to meet you or at least talk. Either way, thank YOU for being you because you’re clearly a lovely person.